With You I Am
by funnygirlOoObroadwaybaby
Summary: Lisbon's drinking is tearing her whole world apart. She's loosing people who mean everything to her. Yet, she can't stop. What happened to make her be like this? What will make her stop, before it's too late? Now Complete.
1. Prologue

With You I Am

"I didn't know I was sick." Teresa spoke quietly as she sat in the large circle. She felt ridiculous. She didn't need this. She wanted to leave. "I didn't know until one of my co-workers pointed it out. My Dad was the same. Like father like daughter, I guess." she waited for someone to speak, but no one said anything as they waited for her to finish. "I hated him for it. He started drinking more after my mom died; hit by a drunk driver. Pretty redundant. Well, he'd have these blackouts, and he didn't know what he was doing, he really didn't. But, once he almost killed my brothers and I, almost beat one of my brothers to death. I hated him. And, now, I've become him, I guess."

"No, Teresa. You are your own person. You can get better." the leader of the group said. She felt like she was in a cult as all the others happily agreed. "When did you first notice your drinking?"

"I work at CBI, you know, and a few years ago, my friend Sam Bosco was murdered by Red John. But, we don't talk about it." she looked dark and depressed as she spoke.

"If you don't talk about it, how do you let anything out?" one person in the group said, and they had just the right voice that bugged Lisbon to no extent.

"I guess I don't." she snapped.

"Maybe that is what is causing your drinking." the leader, Michael Thorns, spoke.

"Really?" Lisbon barked sarcastically.

"Teresa, we are all friends here." a man across from her said. She spoke no more but scowled at him.

Michael thorns directed his attention toward the clock before stopping Lisbon from telling the rest of her story, much to her liking.

"Okay, friends and neighbors, that's all the time we have for today's meeting. Please wait in the pickup room for your rides."

Everyone exchanged goodbyes as Lisbon picked up her purse and darted out of there before anyone could stop her to talk. She was supposed to wait for Jane, who was picking her up. It was an exercise that Michael used to start the sessions with. He made every person get dropped off and picked up by someone, helping them to build trust with someone else. She thought it was a stupid idea. Lisbon snuck to the back of the building and left out the back door, thinking about walking to the bus stop or calling a cab. As she walked out, she turned to look back inside to make sure no one had seen her. She didn't feel like talking any more to Michael. She turned back and gasped in alarm as she saw Jane standing there.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped, walking around him.

"I knew you'd come out the back. You hate relying on someone else." Jane flashed a 'I bet I know you better than you know yourself' smile.

"Go away." She didn't want to talk, she just wanted to go home and never come out again.

"Come on, I'm already here. And you didn't think your plan out very well, did you? The last bus came about 5 minutes ago, the next one doesn't come for another hour." he smirked. Lisbon didn't say anything but went straight to the car. Before getting in, she turned to him.

"No talking, okay?" she felt small. As if she were under his power. She didn't like not being in control.

Lisbon slid into the passengers seat and Jane sat in the drivers seat. Lisbon hated when Jane drove, but today she didn't say anything.

The first few minutes of the ride were in silence. But then, Jane spoke.

"So what did you talk about?" he asked. He knew he was pushing her, but he figured he'd try.

At first she didn't say anything and Jane stopped waiting for an answer, returning to the awkward silence.

"We didn't talk about much." Lisbon spoke quietly. "We just introduced ourselves." she was half telling the truth. She didn't mention how they gave their background stories and explained why they were there. She also didn't mention the fight between her and another group member at the beginning of the therapy. She could tell him that later.

"Sounds like fun." he continued to drive, not taking his eyes off the road.

Soon, they arrived back at her apartment. She got out in a rush, quickly muttering 'thanks for the ride' over her shoulder before escaping into the lobby. She didn't look back to see him. She didn't want to see him.

Lisbon slammed the door in her apartment room, sinking to the floor as sobs escaped from her. She hated what a mess her life had turned into. She hated all the feelings she felt every day, the ones that made her want to drink.

Once she drank, the pain was gone.

And then it would ware off.

So she needed more.

And more.

And more.

Until she couldn't live without it.

She trudged to the kitchen. She had sworn to Michael that she would get rid of all her alcohol in her house. She intended to.

Lisbon reached for the shot glasses and grabbed the bottle of tequila she had been given from Bosco. Walking to the living room, she set down the glass on the table and poured it high up to the top. She took drink after drink. Drowning the feelings inside her. She felt better. She kept drinking. She finished the bottle and grabbed another. This time it was vodka. She drank it down. Each time she swallowed she felt another layer of depression and heart ache float away. She felt lighter than she every had. As she neared the end of the bottle of vodka, she began to feel light headed. She stood with the now empty bottle and proceeded to the kitchen to grab another. Lisbon knew what she had just done was not good for her at all, but she didn't care, it made her feel better. But now, she didn't feel so great. He head was spinning and nothing in the room was staying still. She went to set the bottle on the counter but she missed and it shattered all over the floor. Lisbon began to walk to the cupboard to grab her dustpan but lost her balance. She crashed onto the floor, her head hitting the ground. That didn't help with her dizzy state. She looked to the ceiling. She wanted to get up, but she couldn't move. The room spun and ringing sounded in her ears. She struggled to stay awake, but the overwhelming need to sleep was succeeding in the struggle. Was this really how it should have ended? She wished she could have gone back and told Jane her true feelings, she didn't mean for things to end the way they did. The way they were. She thought back to him. His perfect blonde hair. His amazing smile. His deep green eyes. She missed him. Everything was different now between them. That stupid thing she did burned a deep hole in her heart. Yet, she continued to do it. It didn't matter anymore, though. Cause there was nothing anymore. She closed her eyes and everything stopped.


	2. What if

**Thank you to those who reviewed and those who put this on their alert list! It was a lot more people than I though would put it on their alerts, I'm glad you guys liked it! Now, I usually write chapters as short as 500 words, but Ima try to write longer ones, so I might need to put some together, like I did here :) Please review! Any form of feedback would be wonderful, and I'd very much appreciate constructive critisism! I want to be writing something people like! :D Thanks a lot for reading, and enjoy!**

_Disclaimer- I do not own The Mentalist, although, if I did, Jane would have been with Lisbon a long time ago and Kristina would have stuck to being in that one episode a long time ago and never have come back! And and and Rigsby and Van Pelt would be together still. :) okay, I think I'm done. Oh, and I wouldn't have Hightower in the show… there's something about her I don't like…?_

One Year Earlier-

Lisbon woke to the sound of the shower running. She stretched and smiled. She loved waking up with someone else. She stood and walked to her mirror, combing her hair out and wiping off the left over makeup from the night before. Lisbon studied herself, she was still smiling. She couldn't remember the last time she was this happy. Soon, the bathroom door opened and Jane walked through with one towel around his waist and one he was using to tussle his hair with.

"Good morning, beautiful." he said to her before pulling her in for a kiss.

"Good morning." she played with his hair as they looked into each other's eyes.

"I'm so happy." Jane spoke softly.

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know... I guess it's just that... I've wanted this for so long."

"Me too." they leaned in for another kiss. Jane's phone began to ring, but they ignored it at first.

"Hold on." he said sitting onto the bed and leaning back to get his phone off of the nightstand. "Hello?" as he talked, Lisbon crawled onto the bed and began to kiss down his neck. He laughed, trying to cover it up on the phone as a cough. Lisbon couldn't hear the person on the other end of the line, but could feel Jane's aggravation as he tensed up. "Okay, I'll be right there. I'll call Lisbon for you. Bye." he hung up his phone, turing to her. "That was Cho, we have to go to work."

"Crap." she stood, "We can continue later." she winked at him playfully before going into the bathroom.

She could smell his aftershave and shampoo, both smells that she adored. She stepped into the shower, the warmth comforting her.

"Lisbon," Jane called from the other side of the door.

"Ya?" she yelled back.

"I'm gonna head off now, so they don't think we were together."

"Okay, see you soon."

"Love you." this made her smile. They were words she had waited to hear from him for two years.

"Love you too." she called back.

* * *

Lisbon pulled up at the crime scene. Something about the house was strangely familiar. It was a small white house in the middle of a bad neighborhood. She took her wallet and her cell phone from her purse, not wanting them to be left in her car. She could see Jane, Van Pelt, Cho, and Rigsby talking. They all looked worried and their worry grew as they saw Lisbon walking toward them.

"So what're the details?" she said, walking into the house. She stopped dead in her tracks. She had been there before. Looking around, she saw something that proved her suspicion true. It was a picture of her and her brothers. "No." she protested.

"Lisbon," Jane tried to talk to her but she cut him off.

"Where is the body?" her face was emotionless.

"Lisbon," Jane tried again. He tried to hold her but she refused, pushing him away.

"Where is the body." she insisted.

"In the bedroom. But Lisbon," she wouldn't hear it as she stormed to the bedroom, not surprised she knew where to go. Lisbon opened the door, and there he was. Her brother Thomas was lying on the bed, bathed with blood.

"Tommy." she cried. Silent tears streamed down her face. How had this happened? Suddenly, she remembered the night before. She had been having dinner with Jane when her cell phone rang. She saw it was from Tommy. She didn't answer it. What if he needed her? What if, if she had answered it, he would still be alive?

Lisbon turned to run out of the room, but ran into Jane who was coming in to see her. She didn't care. She clung to him and sobbed. Crying made her feel helpless, but this time, she couldn't stop it. Why would someone want to kill Tommy?

"I don't think I can work this case." she said, her words muffled in Jane's shirt.

"I know, it's okay." he rubbed her back.

"Will you take me home?" she whispered.

"Sure." he stroked her hair, trying to comfort her.

"I have to tell the team. I need to tell them I'm going home." Lisbon tried to pull herself back together.

"Don't worry, they expected you would want to go home."

"Why were we assigned this case?" she thought back to how agents weren't supposed to get cases close to their personal lives.

"They didn't know he was your brother until I got here. I remembered that picture from your apartment." Jane pointed to the picture Lisbon had seen when she first came in.

"Can we go?" she asked. She sounded like a child, helpless and scared.

"Yes, of coarse." Jane walked her out of the house. Lisbon tried to look put together as they walked by their team and the other police officers, but everyone could tell she was devastated. Before they left, Van Pelt walked to her and hugged her. It was something that was totally unexpected, but Lisbon appreciated it.

"You okay, boss?" Cho asked.

"Ya, I just think I need to go home for a little while."

"Boss, I'm sorry." Rigsby said.

"Thanks." and with that, Jane took Lisbon to her car, opening the passengers seat door for her. She sat, trying to hold in the sobs that were soon to escape from her.

Jane scooted into the drivers seat, turning to her before starting the car.

"Teresa-"

"Can we... not talk." she avoided eye contact.

"Sure." Jane turned back to the wheel, started the car and began to drive her back to her apartment. She could tell he was hurt. But so was she. She just couldn't talk anymore. Not only when she talked about Tommy, but when she thought of him, a pain in her heart reminded her that she might have been able to save him, if she had just taken that damn phone call. How would she be able to live with herself? It was her fault he was dead now. She felt horrible.

Jane dropped her off at her apartment building, offering to come in, but Lisbon refused. She staggered up the stairs to her apartment, not thinking clearly as she used about 4 different keys to unlock her door before coming across the right one. Walking in slowly, she contemplated what she should do. Her first decision was to go to bed. She walked into her room, not even undressing before slipping back into the bed, still warm from when she had last left it. Funny how you're whole world can change before you're sheets even get cold. Lisbon grabbed a pillow and hugged it, squeezing it and sobbing. Sobbing that she was sorry. That she should have been there for Tommy. That she let her mother down. Her mother had told her that some day, when she was gone, she wanted her brave little Teresa to look after her brothers.

"I'm sorry Mom!" she cried into the empty room. Closing her eyes, she tried to sleep. Memories flooded back to her with every second that passed, every click of her wristwatch. Finally, she couldn't handle it anymore. She stood back up and paced. What had she done when Bosco died? What relieved her pain more than anything else? Then, the answer came to her. She walked to the kitchen and took a bottle of wine from her cabinet. She poured herself a tall glass, much more than she'd ever had at once before. She chugged it, and felt slight relief as it went down her throat. She poured another glass, and another. She felt better. No, she didn't feel anything.

Which, at the moment, was better.


	3. Alone

**I struggled trying to make this one over 1,000 words - but I finally did! This'll be the last one about her brother's death, I think I mighta milked that one dry… will mention it briefly later on, but not like this one, as I think it's time to move on in the story! :D The italics lines is continuing in the "present" when she is on her kitchen floor, and the rest is happening in the "1 Year Earlier" scene, right after her brother's death. I hope u like it! PLEASE REVIEW! I'm dying to get more reviews on this, PLEASE, if you read, REVIEW! ENJOY!**

Disclaimer- Do I even have to?

_She could hear someone in the distance. Someone calling to her. She couldn't go back. She didn't want to go back. She felt too good to go back. She was happy, smiling toward the bright light that became closer and closer with each passing minute. She was ready to go, to leave her life behind her and feel eternally happy. She slowly let herself go as she passed into the light._

Lisbon opened her eyes to find an empty room. It was the first day in a week that she didn't wake to see Jane sleeping next to her or hear him in the other room. The first night in a week that she hadn't slept next to the man she loved. They had just become an item at the beginning of the week, keeping it a secret from their colleagues until they felt the time was right. He had been over every night since they got together, so where was he? Then she remembered. Jane offered to come in, but she told him no. Why had she done that? What happened the day before? Why was it so hard to remember? Lisbon rolled over in her bed, looking at the clock beside an empty bottle of liquor on her night stand. 7:15 AM. She had to get to work soon. Another day on the job. She couldn't wait to see Jane. Starting the beginning of that week, she felt unable to be away from him for even 10 minutes before her heart ached for his presence. But why did she have a feeling that something was wrong? Then the cold truth struck her. Her brother was dead. And she had nearly killed herself the night before, drinking the way she had.

Beginning to sit up, she instantly stopped as a throbbing headache made itself known. Hangover, she though. She collapsed back into her pillow. She didn't have to get up, she didn't want to. She wasn't going to go to work, so what was the point of getting up?

She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep. It was about an hour after she fell asleep again that she soon woke up to the sound of her bedroom door opening. Jane was there, quietly making his way into the room, trying, unsuccessfully, not to wake her.

"Hey," he said cautiously, walking and sitting on the side of her bed.

"Hey." she closed her eyes again and didn't move.

"You okay?" Lisbon could hear the worry in his voice.

"No." she answered honestly. The next thing she felt were his strong hands pulling her up and into a hug. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, the scent of his aftershave made her insides flutter. Lisbon could feel the sobs building up again at the touch of someone trying to soothe her, bringing back the truth that she was trying to forget. But she wasn't going to cry. She refused to cry again.

"Do you want anything?" he didn't wait for a response as he let go and she automatically laid back down. "I'm going to make you breakfast." Jane announced before leaving the room.

She was happy that he was there, but at the same time, she desperately wanted to be alone. Bringing herself to get up, she dragged herself into the bathroom. Is that really me? She thought, looking into a mirror. She was ghost white; except for the large black circles under her eyes from the very little sleep she had gotten the night before. Her hair was a tangled mess, an elastic was somewhere inside it. Lisbon heard a noise coming from downstairs and opened the door to hear better.

"Teresa!" Jane called to her, worry and anger both sounding in his voice. "Teresa!" he shouted again. Lisbon walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where she found Jane.

"What?" she spoke faintly.

"What is this?" Jane held up two empty wine bottles that were in the sink, "These weren't here yesterday!" his angry green eyes pierced through hers.

"They're wine bottles, Jane. And good job, they weren't there yesterday. What a detective you are." she said sarcastically before storming up the stairs back into her room, slamming the door behind her. Something about him suggesting she had a problem put Lisbon over the edge. She crawled back into her bed, pulling the sheets over her face, hiding herself from the world.

"Lisbon?" Jane cracked the door open about ten minutes later. "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you, that's all." Lisbon didn't answer, but stayed beneath the blankets. Maybe he'd get the message and leave. "Here." Lisbon could feel him set down a tray onto the bed. She could smell bacon and eggs and fresh buttered toast. It all smelled so good, but she had no appetite. "Come on, honey, come out of there."

She still did not make a move, but listened to him as he feet dragged along the floor, across the room and into a chair.

"Would you please leave?" she said, her voice muffled by the blankets. It was more of an instruction than a question. She wanted - no - needed him to leave. She felt trapped, and in her own home, too. She couldn't cry, scream, yell, or release any kind of emotion while he was in the room. It made her look weak, and she knew it. She couldn't let him see her like that, not again. Instead, she kept it bottled up inside.

"What?" Jane asked, he hadn't heard her the first time.

"Please... leave." she said again. Jane didn't say any more before she heard her bedroom door shut.

Why was this effecting her so much? She was never really close to any of her brothers. She hadn't talked to Tommy for three or four years. Every time he called he wanted money. Or he was just drunk again and randomly calling her. He did that to her a few times. But that night he called when she was out with Jane, she felt there was an actual purpose to that call. She should have answered it. She didn't. And now she'd never know if she had answered it, she could have saved his life.

**What do you think so far? Do you like it? Have any ideas on what might happen next? Any opinions on what I've already said? You wanna review? This is where you all shake your head "yes"! :D**


	4. Bailey's and Coffee

**Thanks for everyone who read my last chapter! Even tho I asked repeatedly, out of 123 hits on the chapter, I only got 1 review! So, thank you jisbon-fan! :D Hehe! I hope more people review this one, tho! I love to hear what everyone thinks! :D Take care!**

Disclaimer- No, I have not bought the Mentalist within the last 4 days of the last time I said I didn't own it.

* * *

_Where had the light gone? Everything was black and she felt like she was being pulled back. Soon, she was conscious. Her eye lids felt like they were plastered closed. A weight pressed down on her chest, forcing her to breath. Someone was yelling her name. Why couldn't she respond? Or open her eyes? By now, she could tell it was Jane. She could hear the panic in his voice. I'm here Jane, it's okay, she wanted to say. But she couldn't. Slowly, his voice began to fade away. What was happening and why was she being pulled back and forth? She wanted so much to be able to go back to Jane. She needed to tell him she'd be better where she was going; where she couldn't hurt him again. She wanted to tell him she'd be looking over him. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She loved him so much. Lisbon knew she had to go back, and she fought against the darkness..._

Two weeks had passed since the discovery of Lisbon's brother's death. It had turned out to be an angry drug dealer getting too impatient waiting for his money. Cho had gotten him to confess and now the had him in custody. Lisbon had returned to work, but everyone noticed something different about her. She was mostly the same, but her attention span seemed low at times. And the way she talked was different. She'd slur her words and sometimes took several minutes to think of the word she was looking for. Lisbon could tell everyone noticed, but no one approached her about it. She figured Jane knew. Still, he hadn't said anything.

Lisbon sat at her desk drinking coffee and doing paperwork. Her coffee was 1/3 coffee, 2/3 Baileys. She was so focused on her work, she hadn't noticed Van Pelt come into the room.

"Boss?" Van Pelt said cautiously.

"Hmmm?" Lisbon continued with her work.

"I just got a call from Hightower. She says she wants us to check out a case in downtown Hollywood."

"Alright," Lisbon began putting up her work, "well, you go with Jane, I'll take Cho and Rigsby. We'll take two cars in case we need to check out..." she paused.

"Suspects?" Van Pelt suggested.

"Ya, those." she took another sip of her coffee. "Why don't you and Jane leave now? We'll be right behind you."

Van Pelt left the room. Lisbon could see Van Pelt, Cho and Rigsby all glaring at her through her office window. She tried to ignore them as she finished her coffee and stood, briefly loosing her balance and grabbing onto her desk for support. Not looking back at them, she picked up her work and threw it in her briefcase. She slid open her desk drawer and took her mini-baileys bottles out, stuffing two or three in her pant pockets. She'd need them for later, it was definitely going to be a stressful day.

Van Pelt got Jane from the kitchen and they left in the elevator as Lisbon walked out of her office.

"Cho, Rigsby, you're with me." she instructed, grabbing her jacket and keys from a hook by her office door. They loyally followed her outside. Lisbon again ignored their looks as she struggled to walk in a straight line and bumped into the car while walking around it to the driver's seat. Cho sat next to Lisbon and Rigsby scooted in the back seat behind her.

"Boss, do you want me to drive?" Cho asked quietly, "You seem a little off today."

"Ya, are you okay?" Rigsby wondered from behind.

"No, I can drive," she snapped, "and of coarse I'm fine. What would make you think I wasn't?" angrily, she shoved the keys into the ignition and started the car with a roar. Her temper was unusually touchy that day, and she didn't want anyone butting in her business.

* * *

A couple hours later, the team was back at headquarters. They were at a dead end in the case, each member was bent over their desks, reviewing and reviewing every piece of evidence they had. None of them wanted to be there at 10 o'clock at night, yet they all were determined to solve the case. Lisbon was in her office alone, looking over one suspects alibi, trying to find a crack in it. She could see Van Pelt tracing phone calls, Cho and Rigsby reviewing evidence they had found at the crime scene, and Jane lying on his couch - supposedly thinking, but probably sleeping. Lisbon stood up to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen, making her way out followed by Rigsby.

"Want some coffee?" she asked him. He sat at the table, placing his head in his hands.

"God, yes." he said. He was obviously existed like the rest of them. Everyone had big bags under their eyes, Which were half open, as they were trying to stay awake.

"Are you and Cho getting anywhere with the case?" Lisbon asked and pushed the START button on the coffee machine, then sat down beside him.

"Not yet. All of our suspects are clean." Rigsby rubbed his eyes. "How about you?"

"Nothing." she puffed in defeat. Leaning back in the chair in exasperation, she closed her eyes. She tried to keep her thoughts on the case, but they occasionally drifted back to how bad she wanted to be in bed sleeping right then.

They sat in silence for a few minutes; Rigsby trying to keep himself awake and Lisbon slowly falling asleep. The beeping sound as the coffee machine finished jilted the two back to life. Lisbon stood and grabbed two mugs. She walked to the coffee machine and poured the hot coffee inside her's and Rigsby's cups. She slipped out one of the mini Baileys bottles from her pocket and poured it into her coffee, mixing it with a spoon. She took a slow sip, letting the hot liquid slowly wake her up. Then, the empty Baileys bottle slipped from her hand and bounced on the floor, rolling and coming to a stop beside Rigsby's feet.

"Crap." she muttered, going toward the bottle. She set Rigsby's coffee on the table first and then bent down to pick up the bottle, but he grabbed it first.

"Boss, is this what you've been putting in your coffee all day?" he asked, looking at the bottle with surprise.

"No," she snatched it back, "why would you think that. It's against the rules to drink during hours. This, on the other hand, is after hours." she tried to think of a lie she would get away with.

"Well, you've been acting different today; bumping into stuff and such. And then the victim's wife asked Cho if you had been drinking because she could smell it on your breath."

Lisbon thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully before she spoke. "It's been a stressful day." she placed the bottle in her pocket. What would she do now? If Rigsby went to Hightower, she'd be suspended for sure. She couldn't go home and do nothing. She had to do something to keep herself from thinking about... thinking about what she didn't want to think about. "Look, it's not going to happen again. So, let's just drop it." Lisbon finished her coffee and left Rigsby in the kitchen.

"You can all go home, now." she announced, "We'll continue this tomorrow." Lisbon walked into her office and grabbed her jacket off of the back of her chair and took her keys from her desk. "I'm going home." she said as she passed through the room where her fellow agents were all siting in wonder, trying to figure out why the person who would have herself killed to solve a case was giving up so easily and going home.

"Boss, do you think you should drive?" Rigsby asked her, "It's dark and raining, I could drive you."

"No," Lisbon snapped, aggravated and tired, "I can drive myself!" She stormed toward the elevator in a puff, smacking the down button. Cho walked up behind her.

"Boss, do you want me to drive you? We don't have to talk." he tried to make her accept his offer, but instead, she blew him off.

"No! Why won't you all just leave me alone!" the elevator doors opened and she stomped inside. "I'm fine!" she yelled at him as the doors closed.

* * *

Lisbon pushed the button for the windshield wipers to clear her view of the road again, not long after she had just done the same thing. She could barely see the road now. Every now and then she'd see bright lights from cars shining as they passed her. She now regretted not taking Cho or Rigsby's offer as being drunk didn't help driving. She struggled to keep the car going straight, although, she wouldn't be able to tell if she was going straight or not since she couldn't see the lines on the road. Her eyes blurred and focused, blurred and focused. Opened and shut, opened and shut. Soon, she couldn't see anything, even inside her car. Falling asleep at the wheel, the car swerved off the road, crashing into the trunk of a tree.

**Oooohhhh, cliff-hanger! Oh-my! Hehe! REVIEW!**


	5. The Fight

**Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! I hope everyone is still enjoying the story. I may be coming to an end as I'm pretty much back to the present time. I want to make sure everyone sees this: IT IS NO LONGER "ONE YEAR EARLIER!" I HAD TO CHANGE IT TO 5 WEEKS EARLIER FOR TECHNICAL REASONS! ;) Hehe! So, read, review, ENJOY!**

Disclaimer- ...

* * *

_It took every ounce of strength she had, but she pulled herself through. She was back, and she could feel Jane's arms wrapped around her. He was saying something, she could feel it through his chest. She just couldn't hear him. She didn't try to talk or open her eyes, she focused all her energy on staying alive. She had to. This time she'd start over. She'd do it for him. He wanted her to quit drinking, but she never did. She was selfish and was missing how hurt she was making him. This time she was going to do it, for Jane._

Lisbon sat in an examining room. She was alone, the eery quite giving her a brooding feeling. It certainly felt like a hospital. The room smelt strongly of bleach and everything was white. Her arm was resting at her side. It was in a white sling. When the car had crashed into the tree, she had pulled her shoulder from the thrust forward. It had popped out of it's socket and she had it popped back in as soon as she got there. It was the worst pain she had ever felt in her life. She was fine other than that though, although she had a large fine for driving under the influence and Hightower was going to be called by her doctor. She'd probably get suspended yet again, however, it would be her first time she was the cause of it. It was usually Jane who would get Hightower angry and Lisbon in trouble.

"I just got off the phone with Agent Hightower, she said she'd like to speak with you. She asked me to ask you to call her tomorrow." the doctor said as he came in the room.

"Sure." she said quietly.

"So, let me just check your arm out one more time, and then you can leave." he said. He walked to her and carefully lifted the sling off, setting it beside Lisbon on the examination table. He took her elbow in one hand and placed a hand on her shoulder. Conscientiously, he rotated her arm and felt her bones in her shoulder. Lisbon winced in pain, but it was soon over as he only rotated her arm twice. "Alright, I think you should be good by next month or so. Until then, try to keep from lifting heavy things." he wrote something on his clipboard. Lisbon slipped her sling back on and grabbed a prescription from the doctor. "This should help with the pain. And don't drink with it, that can be deathly." he helped her off of the table and grabbed her purse for her off of a chair, handing it to her as he spoke. "Agent Lisbon, the best way to prevent this from happening again is not to drink and drive. If you need to drink, have someone drive you home."

"I know, I know. I'll do that next time, I promise." she smiled. She could feel herself begin to get aggravated by the lecture, but she reminded herself he was just trying to help. "Thank you, doctor." she said before leaving.

Van Pelt was waiting for her in the front room.

"Oh my gosh, Boss, are you okay?" Van Pelt ran to her.

"Ya, I'm fine. I just pulled my shoulder out. Thanks for coming. I couldn't call Cho or Rigsby, they offered to drive me, it'd just be proving them right."

"And Jane?"

"I just... couldn't." Lisbon avoided eye contact as they left the hospital doors and walked into the parking lot.

"I'm over here." Van Pelt pointed to her car on the left side of the parking lot. Lisbon followed her and opened the car door, sliding into the passenger's seat.

Van Pelt sat in the driver's seat and started to put the keys in the ignition, but stopped briefly to talk.

"You know you're going to have to tell him at some point." Van Pelt said. She didn't wait for a reply, thinking she must have gone over the line. She put the keys in the ignition and pulled the car out of the crowded parking lot.

_I know_, Lisbon though. She did know. She knew she had to tell him, she couldn't _not_ tell him. But how was she going to, and what was he going to do?

They had promised to be completely honest with each other from the start. No secrets, Jane had said. Lisbon agreed, not knowing that she would ever have to keep any from him. But now she had a secret. Jane didn't know she had crashed that night, she couldn't tell him. She figured he'd get angry for her not telling her earlier. It had been a month now, but he still didn't know. When he asked about her arm, she told him it was an old injury from tackling a running suspect and landing on her shoulder. She told him it acted up every now and then. She needed to call to tell him the real reason, she needed to make things right again. Then why couldn't she? Before she could dial the numbers, he door bell rang.

"I'm coming!" she yelled, throwing her phone onto the couch and running to the door. She opened it to find Jane standing on the other side. "Hi." she said, shocked to see him there.

"Hi, can I come in?" he asked. Something was wrong, Lisbon could tell.

"Sure," she stepped out of his way to let him into the apartment. "Something wrong?"

"Yes, actually." he walked directly into her living room and she followed him. Jane stopped, not facing her at first as he took a deep breath. But then he turned, his face was now more hurt than angry. "How could you not tell me?"

"Tell you what?" she said cautiously, did he know?

"That you crashed!" he hollered. He lost his temper and began storming around the room. "How could you not tell me you went to the emergency room! You lied to me! You pulled your shoulder out of it's socket, it wasn't an old injury!"

"I was going to tell you." she began, but he cut her off.

"And you were drinking, weren't you?" he spoke harder, getting angrier and angrier.

"Yes." why wasn't she standing up for herself? This was not the Lisbon she normally was.

"I bet you're drinking now, too!" he walked to a glass on the coffee table and smelt it. It was whisky. "Do you ever stop!"

"It's the only way I get by." she whispered.

"I'm not enough? I'm not enough of a reason not to kill yourself?" he grabbed her by the arms. "You need to stop." he said, and shook her with every word. Not enough to hurt her but to get his point across.

"I can't." she didn't look at him, but instead onto the floor. She couldn't bear to look into his eyes, to see the hurt, the betrayal, the anger.

He let her go and stormed to the kitchen. Taking bottle after bottle out of her wine cabinet, Jane poured the contents of them down the sink, not seeing the three bottles she had in drawers. Lisbon just stood and watched him as he slowly poured her shield away. It was her shield from the world, the only way to continue living without feelings eating away at you from the inside out, slowly making you want to die. But she let him. What was she going to do? Go over there and grab the bottles from his hands? No. She just stood there and watched. He finished and walked toward her, calmer now, as if pouring the problem down the drain had helped him and made him feel better.

"I think you should see someone." he took her in his arms and hugged her. She could feel her defenses breaking, but she tried to stay strong and not break down at his touch. "I could help you find a therapist." Lisbon didn't say anything but shook her head yes. She knew she needed help and she wanted help, she just didn't know if it was going to work. They walked together to her couch and sat down, he continued to hold her in his arms. She liked the touch. It was warm, and she felt safe. She never wanted to let go. This was where she belonged. She could do this. She could stop her drinking.

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	6. The Hospital

**IT IS NO LONGER "ONE YEAR EARLIER!" I HAD TO CHANGE IT TO 5 WEEKS EARLIER FOR TECHNICAL REASONS!**

**I hope you all like this! Please Review!**

**And THANK YOU LOTZ to Lisbon94: you have been SO NICE for the past few days and I have thoroughly enjoyed talking to you! AND you have a kick-a** story! :D Haha! PMing while I sleep! Sry for everyone else who doesn't know that is, kinda an inside joke-type thing between us! :D Hehe!**

**Read/Review/Enjoy!**

Disclaimer- If I owned The Mentalist, I wouldn't be writing on here.

* * *

Jane sat in the emergency room with his head in his hands. He had never been this scared in his whole life. Lisbon could be dead. What if she was? What would he do without her?

"Mr. Jane?" a nurse walked up to him, bringing him back from his disturbing thoughts.

"Yes?" he asked, exasperated and rubbing his eyes.

"I just have a couple of questions to ask you about Ms. Lisbon."

"Okay." he adjusted himself in his chair.

"How did you find her?" she asked.

_Jane opened the door slowly. He knew Lisbon wouldn't want to talk, but she left her purse in the car._

_"Lisbon I have your purse." he walked into the room cautiously. There was no answer. He looked in the living room, bedroom and bathroom before slowly making his way into the kitchen. "Lisbon?" he called again before his eyes appeared on her lifeless body on the floor of the kitchen, "Lisbon!" he yelled. He threw her purse on the table and ran to her, collapsing beside her on the floor, checking her pulse. It was slow, maybe 7 beats per minute, if even. "Lisbon, can you hear me?" he yelled. She made no response. He looked at her. She was almost blue. Jane put a hand on her forehead. She was cold to the touch, almost unbearably cold. He hated to see her like this and his eyes teared up at the look of his colleague, his friend, his girl-friend, on the floor, practically dying before his eyes. "Lisbon!" he began again. She couldn't hear him, she wasn't responding._

"And, did you try to do anything to revive her?" the nurse asked as he finished explaining.

_"Lisbon!" He yelled again. Now she wasn't breathing at all. He tried to wake her up. She didn't move. Whipping out his cell phone, he dialed 911 and held his cell phone between his shoulder and ear as tipped Lisbon's head back. He spoke to the operator briefly and told him the address and the situation. He was off the phone quickly and soon was holding his ear up to her mouth. He heard no sign of breathing and felt nothing as he moved his cheek in front of her mouth to check for air. Quickly checking one last time, he watched for any movement of her chest. Nothing. He pinched her nose and covered her mouth with his. It was something he had longed for for 5 weeks, but he never wanted it to be a matter of life or death. Ever. He placed the heel of his hand on her chest, pressing down and breathing again into her mouth. He did this over and over, trying to bring his Lisbon back to life. He couldn't give up. He'd be letting her down. He wouldn't give up. He checked again for breathing, this time, she was. It was extremely slow, much slower than any healthy rate. He picked her up and held her in his arms, rocking her back and forth._

_"It's okay, Lisbon, I'm here." he ran his fingers through her hair and he felt Lisbon's head moved slightly. She was awake. A rush of relief moved through him. "Come on, just stay with me."_

"So she was responsive after you tried to revive her?" the nurse wrote notes onto her clipboard.

"For a few minutes." Jane's voice began to quiver, "she was in and out until the paramedics got there."

"Okay," she continued to write, "do you know of any allergies she has, anything she is allergic to."

"I really don't know." Jane felt helpless, placing his head back into his hands.

"Alright, thank you for your help." she walked away, leaving him with his thoughts.

Now he was really alone, except for the woman working the front desk. There was no one else in the waiting room. He thought back to Lisbon, who right now could be dead for all he knew. How was he going to get through this pain again? The pain of loosing someone who meant everything to him. He could still see her bright eyes and her big, sweet smile. Jane stood, he couldn't stay in one place for too long without his mind wandering back to her. He walked around the hospital; down the long hallways and around the many corners. He saw a few people waiting outside a recovery room, worried expressions on their faces. He smiled at them, each of them smiled back. They were definitely forced smiles, but, for that matter, so was his.

He walked a little more, winding up in the cafeteria. Jane waited in line with a tray. He grabbed a coffee and a water, along with one cup of jello. He sat at a table alone and began to eat slowly.

"Dr. Allen, please report to operating room 11 on the third floor. Dr. Allen, please report to operating room 11 immediately."

Jane came to an end of his jello and gulped down his coffee. He put his water bottle under his arm and dumped out hist tray of trash. He continued to walk.

Everything had gone wrong those 5 weeks ago when Thomas had died. It brought more painful memories for Lisbon that she couldn't keep bottled up inside any longer. She had become almost a different person. Some one Jane didn't know or understand. He wished he could have been there for her more. He wished...

"Mr. Jane?" the nurse he had talked to earlier came running up behind him. He spun around to see a saddened look on the nurse's face as she pulled him aside into an examining room, closing the door behind them for privacy.

"Do you have news on Teresa?" he begged.

"Yes, I'm afraid so." she looked down, but then remembering her training, she looked Jane in the eye as she spoke. He could tell it was hard for her and he dreaded the worst was about to come from her mouth.

"Im afraid your wife has had a seizure during surgery." they had assumed she was his wife and he had not corrected them as it was the only way he would get information about her. "the doctor wanted me to warn you that she has a low chance of making it through the surgery. He is trying his bet though and we will keep you updated throughout the procedure."

Jane's knees almost buckled as the nurse's words processed in his head. Lisbon might not make it.

"I... I just need a moment." Jane said, leaning onto the wall for support.

"No problem." the nurse said quietly, exciting the room.

Tears began to silently stream down his cheeks.

_Please, please God, please don't kill Lisbon. Take me instead, she doesn't deserve this. I've done far worse in these last few years than she has done in her lifetime. Please don't take her. It's not her time. She has her whole life ahead of her. I need her. She needs me. Please, don't take her._

**Review please!**


	7. Different Than Expected

**Sorry about the delayed UD, but it took me a LONG time to decide what I wanted to happen in the story. I finally gave up and just wrote :) Hehe, I hope u guys enjoy it! Maybe try out my one-shot Love Lives On, u may enjoy that one, too! :D**

**R&R&E 3**

_Disclaimer- never_

Chapter 7- "Wh-what?"

Lisbon slowly opened her eyes, allowing them to adjust to the bright light of the empty room. She looked around, she was in a hospital room. Bleach filled the air and about everything in the room was white. She could hear doctors in the hallway. Lisbon didn't know why she was there, but at the moment, she had an overwhelming need for sleep. She closed her eyes again and began to dream of Jane. She wondered where he was. She somewhat remembered him from yesterday: driving her to and from therapy, and then something else. He had come back for something. She just couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. But right now, she didn't care. She rolled over onto her side, a sharp pain arising in her abdomen, but she ignored it, tucking her face into the pillow. Closing her eyes, she pictured Jane's smile. It always warmed her when he smiled at her. He could be telling her the most ridiculous plan, but the second he smiled, she melted. Lisbon drifted to sleep thinking of Jane, his smile, and the previous week they had spent together.

She woke to the sound of the door closing. At first, she didn't open her eyes, but instead waited for whoever was there to leave. Instead of leaving, she felt the person sit down beside her on the bed. A hand grabbed her's softly. It was a familiar hand. The warmth of it swarmed through her body. She opened her eyes again, this time to see Jane there looking down at her with a worried face.

"Hey," he whispered, "how are you?"

"Okay, I guess." she push herself back so she was facing up instead of to the side, again causing pain in her stomach.

"Has the doctor come to talk to you yet?" he brushed his hand up and down hers.

"No, I was up for a minute earlier, but I went right back to sleep. I don't know if they've come in since then." she looked into his eyes; they were filled with worry, love, happiness, and... relief. "What happened to me?"

"You don't remember?" he asked, worry overcoming all of the different emotions in his eyes.

"Not at all. Is it bad? Am I okay?" Jane's facial expression didn't calm her, but as if on cue, a doctor walked into the room. Before speaking, he picked up a clipboard from the end of her bed and flipped through it.

"How are we feeling today, Miss Lisbon?" he asked, walking to her and grabbing her hand from Jane, taking her pulse. Jane stood and backed into the wall, stepping out of the way for the doctor. "Im Doctor O'Lynch." he said and wrote her pulse down onto the clip board.

"I.. I don't know how I'm feeling. What happened to me?"

"Excuse me, can you give us a moment?" the doctor asked Jane to leave, but Lisbon quickly protested.

"No no no, I want him here." she grabbed his hand, stopping him from following through with the doctors request.

"Alright, that's fine." the doctor pulled up a chair and Jane sat on bed, and she held his hand as a lifeline. She didn't know what she was about to hear, and for the first time in a long time, she was scared, but it helped to have Jane there. It helped a lot.

"Teresa," Jane said before the doctor spoke, "Teresa, listen to me. Honey, what ever happens, what ever he says, we can get through it. I'm not going anywhere."

Lisbon's eyes filled with tears. She was scared more now than ever. "What happened?" she managed to say as she turned to the doctor.

"You came in here around 8 o'clock last night. You were suffering from alcoholic poisoning. When you were brought in, you were unresponsive." Dr. O'Lynch paused, allowing Lisbon to take it all in. The words processed in her head. She was so confused, it hurt. She didn't know what to do, except hold on to Jane's hand harder. "We pumped your stomach, managing to remove all of the alcohol that had not seeped into your blood stream, and after a long time keeping an eye on you, your stats began normalizing. You are going to be fine. You'll just have pains in your stomach for two or so days."

"Wh-what?" Jane said, his eyes round with confusion. "I was told she had a seizure."

"Who told you that?" the doctor looked angry, and slightly embarrassed.

"Umm... Nurse Whitten, I think. She said," he stopped, trying to remember her specific words, "Teresa has had a seizure during surgery, and... she said you said she had a low chance of surviving."

The doctor stood, becoming angrier by the second. "I'll just have to do something about that. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you. I'll take care of it right away, and I will have to come back in a few minutes." he stormed out of the door, and Lisbon and Jane could hear him shouting all the way down the hallway.

"I'm so glad you're okay." Jane sighed and hugged Lisbon.

"Uhh," she winced as she felt her stomach feel as if someone was ripping it out of her body. She clung to Jane, and the second she felt his warm body, she actually felt better. She felt, amazing, in his arms. She couldn't imagine being anywhere else but right there.

"I thought I was going to loose you." Jane admitted, holding back tears.

"I love you, so much." she said, the tears rolling down her cheeks soaking into Jane's navy blue shirt.

"I love you, too." those words burned into Lisbon's head. She never knew how much these three words "I love you" meant to her until he said them again. This time she was never going to let go. There was a reason to continue living. The pain wasn't enough to make her want to close her eyes and never wake up anymore. She had a reason to live. She had a reason, and his name was Patrick Jane.


	8. The Promise Ring

**None of you have any idea what _hell_ I went through writing this! Here is a post directly from my facebook of today's (well, yesterday's, as it's 1:35) events!**

MY COMPUTER JUST FROZE SO I HAD TO SHUT IT DOWN AND I LOST 1,000 WORDS OF WRITING THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON ALL DAY! I THOUGHT MACS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN HP'S! ONE THING THAT HP'S HAVE THAT MACS DONT IS AUTO-freaken-SAVE!

**How nice is that? :) Well, it all worked out in the end. This chapter became better and longer, and not including all the Author's Notes (such as this one) this story is just over the 10,000 word mark. :)**

**I want to thank everyone who has been detected readers throughout this story! I'm going to miss ur reviews but I hope to hear from u on my other stories!**

**Well, without further adu, here it is:**

_Disclaimer- I'm too tired_

Jane wasn't kidding when he said he wasn't going anywhere. Jane had brought Lisbon home from the hospital and had been staying with her ever since. He made her breakfast, lunch, and dinner for two days, and even convinced her to share a bowl of ice cream. This type of attention she would normally decline, but, this time she welcomed it with open arms, as it hurt just to breath. The pain had been excruciating, every time she moved, she would get a thrashing pain in her abdomen.

When the doctor had come back into the room at the hospital, he explained that Lisbon might feel slight discomfort and pain from the pumping for a few days to even a week. Jane and Lisbon had understood at the time, because who wouldn't feel slight pain after having their stomach vacuumed out with a tube? But, Lisbon had NEVER thought it would be as bad as she was getting it. She could barely walk without wanting to collapse in pain, and the walk from the car to her bed was enough to make her want to scoop her insides out. It also embarrassed her to no end that she had to be _helped_ to the bathroom, as she could barely make it out of bed, let alone walk down the stairs.

Jane had called the doctor and told him about how much pain Lisbon was in, but the doctor had told them it was normal, that she should be fine soon, and just to wait it out. Lisbon was hoping it would stop soon, as she felt like every time she moved she was going to cry out in agony. Jane had gone on the computer and Googled "Stomach Pumping" and researched it, looking at other people's opinions of the pain afterward. Most of them matched up to what Lisbon was experiencing, only one or two of them said the pain only lasted for one day. That calmed the two of them down, knowing that something wasn't wrong with her.

Lisbon was sitting in bed reading a book three days after she got home. She had woken up late that day, the first thing she noticed was the empty chair where Jane had been sleeping. She had tried to convince him to share the bed with her instead of sleeping on a chair, but he had been to worried about bumping into her while he slept and he didn't want to hurt her. Lisbon had peered at the clock on her bedside table, which read 11:47, MUCH later than she ever usually slept in. But, today, she didn't care. She had pulled out a new book from the drawer in the table and began reading.

Lisbon could hear Jane in the kitchen, and it was only minutes after she heard a tea kettle whistle that she began to hear footsteps make their way up the stairs and toward her room. She looked up from her book just in time to see Jane poke his head around the corner, a smile growing across his face.

"Morning, Sweety." he said, making his way into the room with two cups of tea. He set his down on a table next to his chair, and then waked to Lisbon to take her book from her and give her her tea. She sipped it slowly, testing the temperature before taking a full swallow. She let the warmth engulf her body with a certain relaxing quality only tea and coffee could give. She smiled and looked up at Jane.

"Thank you." she handed it to him to set on the bedside table. He sat on his chair and drank his own tea, his eyes scanning the woman who was lying in bed right across from him, his desire to jump in next to her almost outweighed his fear of hurting her, but it didn't and he stayed put.

"Do you want anything else? Do you want some breakfast? Well, lunch, rather." he chuckled.

"No, no food. But I do want something else." she smiled.

"What?" he asked, leaning forward, resting his arms on his knees.

"I want you to sit over here with me." she patted the bed next to her.

"Are you sure? What if I hurt you?"

"You won't."

Jane gave in, setting his tea down and standing. Lisbon watched him closely as he made his way toward her. She moved over gently, giving him room to sit. She almost laughed as she saw him attempt to sit down, moving about as slow as she had ever seen anyone move before, but she didn't laugh because she knew that would be too painful. When he finally did settle down in the bed, she leaned against him and he put an arm around her.

"Is this what you wanted?" he asked sarcastically.

"Perfect." she smiled.

They took a few minutes just lying in complete silence. Unknowingly, they were both going over the past weeks events in their heads. After a moment, Jane finally spoke.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Mhh-hmmm..." her eyes were still closed and she was completely comfortable, lying on top of Jane like he was a pillow.

"Why... What made you... why did you try to, kill yourself?" Jane waited for a response as Lisbon's eyes flung open. She tried to think of an answer, but in that time, Jane began to think he had upset her. "Teresa, I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"I was afraid." she spoke, her voice shaking. "I was afraid of the pain and feelings. I was afraid of loosing someone else I cared about. I was afraid of having someone I cared for deeply being ripped away from me again, the way Red John did with Bosco."

"And my wife and daughter..." Jane finished her thoughts.

"Jane, I..."

"No. You have a right to think that. I just want to let you know I'm not going anywhere."

"How do you know that for sure? How do you know you're not just going to walk out once you get tired of me? How will I know that you aren't going to leave me."

Jane reached into his jacket pocket as he spoke, "Well, I bought this a couple weeks ago. I've been trying to find the right time to give it to you. I guess now is as good a time as ever." Jane pulled out a small leather box from his pocket and Lisbon carefully sat up, wincing in pain, but all to distracted to actually feel it. She looked from the box to Jane's face, trying to read him, trying to figure out what was going on so she could have control over the situation. Jane handed it to her, and she held it as if it were full of explosives.

"Jane, it's... it's not..." she stuttered, trying to get her thoughts in order.

"Probably not what you think it is." he opened it for her, placing his hands gently over hers. "It's a promise ring."

Lisbon studied the silver band, taking it out of the box. She could feel something engraved on the inside, but didn't bother to look at that. She instead glared up at him with a confused face. "What's a promise ring?"

"Well, it's kind of like a pre-engagement ring. I didn't know if you, or even I, were ready to get engaged, so I thought this would be good to start with. It goes on your right ring finger, and it promises our faithfulness to each other. It promises that I will always love you with all my heart, but mostly, it promises that I will never walk out on you. Ever." he took the ring from her fingers. "It says Forever and Always." he took hold of her right hand, gently pulling it toward himself. He took the ring and announced, "Teresa Lisbon, will you be my Forever and Always?"

Lisbon couldn't believe everything that had just happened to her. It wasn't like they were engaged or anything, but it was still special. Special in a whole different way. Jane was the sweetest, most caring guy she had ever known, and she couldn't think of one thing she had ever done in her life that had caused her to deserve him. So to finally answer his question, she began to talk in between tears of joy, "Yes!"

They laughed and hugged each other, very softly, of coarse. Just before falling asleep, Jane whispered one last thing to Lisbon.

"Are you happy?" he asked, playing with her hair.

"With you I am." she smiled, cozying herself more into his arms. They fell asleep like that, both of them dreaming of the other. Lisbon had never felt so happy in her whole life. She made two important decisions that morning: Patrick Jane was her soul mate, and she would never pick up another bottle/cup/or shot glass of alcohol for the rest of her life.

**The End :)**

**R&R&E**


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